I Haven't Been Feeling Like Myself

How a week of being under the weather helped me get to know myself better

I came down with something last Friday. Sore throat, body aches, constant coughs, lost voice. I had to readjust my whole week in order to make space for healing. As a results, all the little rhythms that usually serve as touchstones throughout my days fell by the wayside, and I found myself aware of how unlike myself I feel.

This noticing stunned me because it revealed that I do, indeed, have some level of awareness of what it feels like to be me. It hasn’t always been this way. Six years ago, a former supervisor asked me to write a script for the sales video I was creating, and he insisted that I “make it sound like Maris, you know with nods towards the things Maris likes.” At the time, the task felt nearly impossible.

I have spent most of my life relinquishing my idiosyncrasies so as not to rub anyone the wrong way. Historically, I’ve often conceded my preferences in order to preserve harmony within my relationships. And over time, this tendency left me feeling erased, like I couldn’t quite pinpoint what made me… me.

But a few months ago, I learned that preference is a marker of a healthy nervous system. Because the work of the nervous *is* to respond. I realized that even though I had muted many of my preferences in order to avoid conflict, I could practice tracking my inclinations, my initial responses, as a way to restore wellness within my nervous system.

So, because I needed to set down most of my typical doings this week…