What do I need?

And exploration of what's underneath

IN ALL HONESTY | AT A GLANCE

This week’s column is for free & paid subscribers, and it holds:

• a featured story on acknowledging our needs

• a space to deepen the conversation in community comments

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Oh, and be sure to check out the last column:

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It’s 7 in the morning, bright and budding. And our street is beginning to bustle to life. I’m making lunch for my eldest son to take to school, boiling water for tea and gathering stray dishes from around the kitchen to wash in the freshly filled sink when my second son starts shrieking.

He’s sitting behind me in his high chair with a handful of dried cranberries poised and ready to throw. Eating is one of his favorite pastimes, but he’s both visibly and audibly upset.

“Ah, ah, ah.” I say in a cautionary tone. “Those cranberries are not for throwing.”

“EAT!” he screams while bursting into tears.

At first, I don’t get it. He asked me for the dried cranberries, he now has them in his hand and yet he’s not eating even though he wants to eat. There must be something I’m missing.

“What do you need?” I ask him gently.

“Bag,” he says without missing a beat.

And then, I understand. I grab the reusable Stasher bag and bring it over to his little hand that’s still clutched around the dried cranberries. As I hold it open, he releases the small red fruits into the bag and then reaches for the bag with a big smile on his face.

”EAT!” he yells triumphantly, pulling out a single dried cranberry from the blue Stasher bag. And I return to lunch making/tea prepping/dishwashing.

I’ve been thinking about this moment a lot over this past week. The way I noticed my second son’s distress and accepted his expression of frustration. The way I quickly came to the conclusion that there was a valid reason for his confusing behavior. The way I calmly asked him “What do you need?” and he told me and I responded by meeting his need and then he settled down and moved on with a smile.

This feels so natural do with my children, my laboring Doula clients. But how often do I check in with my own needs? My husband’s? The other adults in my life?

How often do I ignore my distress and reject expressions of frustrations? How often do I invalidate potential reasons for my own confusing behavior? How often do I completely skip over my needs that are lingering below the surface?

Often. Very likely, quite often.

So, this week, I experimented with acknowledging my own needs in times of distress. It looked like:

• getting groceries delivered instead of picking them up

• rescheduling a client home visit when I had to attend an unexpected birth

• making extremely simple meals on the two days I hosted events

• calling the babysitter over even when I didn’t have work to do, so that I could decompress

• laying in bed in between Doula consultations

• taking Epsom salt baths most nights

• making time to grab a tea with a friend

So, tell me: what would it look like if YOU checked in with your own needs? What would it look like if you were checking in with the needs of OTHERS?

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Rest well this weekend.

In All Honesty,

Maris

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