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Preface
You’ll notice that this week’s edition of In All Honesty looks a little different. I’ve been hearing the call to change things up, so I’m leaning into that knowing. In addition to a new color scheme and a new logo, I’ll also be unveiling new segments (my eldest son is in school now, so I have more time to get creative!) Read all the way to the end to see what I mean :)
Back in August, I received an email that resonated so deeply with me that it’s still reverberating, bouncing back and forth, in my chest. In lieu of her regular ponderings, the email sender decided to introduce her newsletter list to a friend. This friend of hers is a Maui native, a farmer/healer living with the aftermath of the Hawaii fires. And her friend offered up such sage advice for navigating calamity that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since:
“Practice being a real human in the place where you live. Seems to me, who we are on the soft days is who we are on the hard days. The skills and capacity to bend and kiss the ground on heartbroken, arduous, insanely consuming days that come at you from all directions is practiced when it's easy, so that it might rise up in us full strength when crisis takes over.” -Khadija Striegel
It got me thinking: who am I on the soft days? Am I cultivating the kind of presence that would better lend itself towards showing up on the hard days? Because it’s not a question of if they’re coming. It’s just a matter of when.
Historically, on the soft days, I’ve been in search of perfection.
In college, I both treasured a new semester’s worth of courses and dreaded the feeling of having to start at square zero as a beginner yet again. I often had mini panic attacks on the first day of class because I felt totally overwhelmed by how many things I didn’t already know.
I used to cringe at the thought of raising my hand and giving the wrong answer. I rebuked the idea of other people seeing me when I wasn’t on top of my game. I shied away from the notion that learning on the job was to be expected, required even. I felt that I should already know everything on the syllabus before the semester even began. That way, I could avoid falling flat on my face in front of my schoolmates, and letting in on the fact that I didn’t understand what was going on.
Somewhere along the way, it seems, I had determined that it was shameful and embarrassing to be seen as a novice in public. So, if I wasn’t already good at something, I was extremely reluctant to try my hand at it.
“If I don’t already know how to do it, I guess I never will,” seemed to be the quiet refrain echoing within my skull. I see now that this kind of fixed mindset is exactly the sort of binding that traps one in stagnation.
And when those hard days come, if I’m too worried about keeping up the appearances of perfection, I won’t be agile enough to respond to whatever challenges arise in the moment. Because in crisis mode, we have to be willing to think on our feet.
I’ve been aware of this tendency in myself for a few years now, and I’ve been sifting it out of my being little by little. But Khadija’s call to action has renewed a sense of importance in relation to attending to this matter.
Now, on the soft days:
I am someone who constantly puts herself in the position of a beginner, a novice, an amateur.
I am learning how to learn.
I ask questions when I don’t understand something because it’s ok not to have all the answers. In fact, an untrained eye can sometimes see things that more experienced vision overlooks.
I am willing to contribute in small ways even when an issue looms large and solutions seem out of reach.
I can focus on being of service instead of getting caught up in appearances.
I am not afraid to try new things.
Who are *you* on the soft days? 🕊️
What kind of characteristics do you hope to embody when the going gets tough? Take note to the sensations that arise as you reflect on this prompt. Come share your reflections in the comments if you feel so called.
♥️ This live, acoustic performance of “Feelings” by former American Idol contestant Dre Scot
♥️ This creative renovation of Kim White’s 600 sq. ft. NYC apartment
♥️ This simple, time-effective cleaning schedule
♥️ This book on self-esteem that I’m slowly reading/discussing with one of my best friends
Rest well this weekend.
In All Honesty,
Maris
P.S. If you liked this week’s column, check out last week’s edition on…