Finding my voice in the birth room

Cultivating the confidence to be professional AND assertive

IN ALL HONESTY | AT A GLANCE

This week’s column is for free and paid subscribers, and it holds:

• a featured story on speaking up in the birth room as a Doula

• a space to deepen the conversation in community comments

---

Oh, and be sure to check out the last column:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Echoes of scripture are still hanging in the air as my client snuggles her newborn son. With each contraction, she recited verse after verse with eyes squeezed shut as her sixth baby made his way into the world.

Her sister was still sitting quietly in the corner, head bowed in prayer. And I stroked my client’s hair as I brought the giant cup of ice water to her lips. Her husband was across the globe tending to business back home, and I was there in his stead to support her through this journey.

“You did it,” I beamed as she slowly sipped from the straw.

“I did it,” she repeated, exhausted and relieved.

In the background, the nurses shuffled about. Cleaning, checking, cooing. Pillows were moved, the bed was raised and the Doctor consulted with her student on how to approach stitching a perineal tear.

“AHHH!” my client screamed as the Doctor and her student began the procedure. “What are you doing to me?!”

They hadn’t prepped my client for the incoming touch, didn’t make sure they received consent before they began stitching her up. My client and I had both been gazing at the baby, basking in the afterglow of birth, so the unannounced start to the procedure caught us both off guard.

“You tore a little bit during labor,” the Doctor said. “We’re going to need to use dissolvable stitches to help you heal,” she explained calmly.

“But are you ready for them to start?” I asked my client. “Because the procedure can wait until you feel ready to be touched again.”

I felt my cheeks grow warm. I was using my words to create space in between what the Doctors were trying to accomplish. While I am a trained and certified Doula, I am not a medical professional. So, who was I to insert myself in the middle of their tasks while on their turf?

My client groaned in discomfort. The epidural she had requested hadn’t worked to numb the labor pains, and she could still feel the sharp prick of the threading needle.

“Remember to breathe,” I reminded her gently.

After a few breaths, she told the Doctor that she was ready to begin. It took a few stops and starts, but soon, the stitches were in place, and the Doctor congratulated my client once more before she excused herself. Equipment was being re-arranged all around us as a half a dozen people trickled in and out of the room.

The Baby Nurse stopped at the door on her way out and said “I’ll be right back with the eye ointment, vitamin K and the Hepatitis B shot for the baby.”

“Ok,” my client said, acknowledging the nurse’s words. “What are those? And what are they for?” she turned to me as the door closed yet again.

I had been connected with this client about two weeks before she gave birth, and we didn’t have time to flow through my usual consultations and teachings on what to expect after birthing at a hospital.

So, I sat down beside her and began to educate on what each of the three treatments were and why they were presented as beneficial.

“But they’re optional. And you don’t have to decide now if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t want him to have all of that now,” she said. “Ok,” I said “We can let the Baby Nurse know once she returns.”

We talked for a few minutes, and then the Baby Nurse returned.

“Can I take the baby over there to weigh and measure him?”

My client nodded, and then, her sister began asking me about birth. My client’s sister was pregnant with her sixth child as well and was now very interested in having a Doula. I answered her questions and helped her sign up for free Doula services, as I watched another nurse take my client’s blood pressure and yet another nurse check my client’s uterus.

“All done!” the Baby Nurse said “Weighed, measured and treated.”

My heart dropped and my throat tightened. My client had only consented to the baby being weighed and measured. The Baby Nurse hadn’t confirmed explicit consent that my client wanted her baby to receive the three treatments.

Everything was happening so fast, and there were so many people in the room all doing different things, I didn’t realize my client had missed her chance to decline the three treatments for the time being.

“I’m honestly not all that surprised,” she told me later. “That’s how they are here. Always rushing and barely checking in with what I want.”

In that moment, I realized how important it is that I cultivate the confidence to speak both professionally AND assertively. It this feels edgy. I’m not used to speaking so directly in the face of established authority. But I’m ready to improve.

My colleagues and I are hosting a free event called Finding Your Voice in the Birth Room so that we can share what we’re learning. Each of us have stories of witnessing birth-related violations at the hospital, and we don’t want to continue feeling awkward and out of place when it comes to speaking out about the disrespect our clients are facing.

And in all honesty, I know this is a practice that will be useful beyond my work as a Doula. Finding my voice in the birth room is helping me find my voice as a woman.

Paid subscribers unlock my full archive of writings).

Become a paid subscriber & get access to In All Honesty all year long. Here, we’re on a quest to discover what walking in integrity looks life for each of us. If you’re into nervous system work, somatics, emotional embodiment and personal narrative, you’re in the right place. May this column inspire you to get to know yourself better✨

---

Rest well this weekend.

In All Honesty,

Maris

P.S. If you liked this week’s column, will you give it a heart?